Are you ready for this? Good. Put down your coffee. Strike that. Pick UP your coffee.
At this very moment, Miss Ive is sitting here.
And she is joining you in hot beverage with this.
And she is looking at this.
Remember why?
***************************Standby for blog interruption********
Miss Ive has climbed to the top of a mountain to gain reception and interupt this post, for reasons she will explain below. While the first part of this post was written last week, in anticipation for our week apart, Miss Ive was uncannyly spot-on regarding her AM activities for today. That may be due to the fact that Miss Ive is mildly clairvoyant. It may also be due to the fact that she only packed five-ish items, so her options for diversion were limited. She is more apt to vote for the latter, as recent activities that WERE NOT ON HER RADAR have made her doubt her clairvoyant powers. She has just encountered one pack mule, up from the bottom of the mountain, to deliver three important telegrams from one anonymous sender, to one Miss Ive. This event, in fact, was so FAR off the radar, that Miss Ive has sloshed her hot beverage into her lap and is now feeling a bit, well, frazzled. She will let the telegrams speak for themselves.
*****************************
Telegram 1:
Woman in near collapsed state is arrested at the Detroit Zoo, after sunset, on Thursday, July 24. It is believed that the call to police was the result of several episodes of 'lewd groping.' The assailant's highly distressed and animal feces-covered state at the time of the arrest, made it impossible for her to answer any questions regarding her wreckless spree. Two photographs were found on her person:
and this
Which has caused her to be dubbed 'Jane Jones' by the press. More on Miss Jones as she recovers in custody.
Second telegram:
The infamous Miss Jones from today's breaking zoo scandal has escaped from the zoo holding while awaiting trasfer to Beaumont hospital. It is rumored that she was last seen boarding a Northwest flight bound for Northern Idaho, just hours later. We were able to obtain one quote from a flight attendant aboard the plane.
"She DID seem a bit crazed, and, now that you mention it, poop-covered. I kept offering her water because her lips were so shriveled and sunburnt, but she kept slapping it out of my hand and grabbing for the bottle of Scotch on my cart. But, with scheduling delays as bad as they've been, that's not very unusual these days; we get a lot of that, actually."
Third telegram:
Police have a solid lead in the mysterious zoo groping case. It is believed that the escaped Miss Jane Jones and the humor blogger known only as Miss Ive, may be one and the same. An annonymous lead came in just hours ago that led to a photo comparison between the zoo security cameras and the thumbnail profile snapshot on her site. Police believe they have a solid lead. Authorities are en route to Idaho at the moment. Internet specialists are set up at Miss Ive's site www.sandinmyswimsuit.blogspot.com, carefully monitoring activity.
***************************************************************************
Miss Ive has put down her hot beverage and come to terms with what has occured. She has been found out. She is ashamed.
Please forgive Miss Ive for possibly misleading you all as to the actual reason for going off the grid (read: on the lamb).
She should also take the opportunity to say hello to the 'Internet Specialists' that are reported to be monitoring this site, at this very moment, as she sits with head hanging low in shame and hot beverage becoming increasingly tepid. Miss Ive is less clever than her wry wit would suggest. She will pick herself up, dust herself off and face the music at the bottom of the mountain. But first, she will take this opportunity to state her case, now that she has recovered feeling in her lips and outer extremities.
Miss Ive's Thursday of last week began as do most of her AM's, in a little slice of heaven, known also as this
She was on her way out when she was approached by a woman who looked like this
At first Miss Ive was certain, from the very depressing state of said woman's sad, monochromatic outfit, that she must be after Miss Ive's loot. After all, even Miss Ive's loot has the common sense not to DRESS DOWN on a Thursday, in the AM.
But she was not after Miss Ive's bags. Instead, she handed her the now famous pictures that were found on her person at the time of her unfortunate arrest. One of Ms. Monochromania herself, and one of Miss Ive's, hand to Heaven, BFF.
This woman, apparently, knew her audience WELL. The hook was sunk. Miss Ive was seduced and sat for the amount of time it takes three baristas to master her customized hot beverage, roughly one half of one hour. By the time Miss Ive and the cryptic woman parted ways, Miss Ive had heard many sad cases, whose outcomes would all be determined by this.
At whirlwind speed, due in part to three crafty baristas, Miss Ive swapted her loot for her very own monochromatic outfit of feeling-good-about-herself-and-the-world-around-her, in tweeds, of course. Obviously, she did tweak the proportions and hemlines EVER SO SLIGHTLY. After all, everyone knows that showing a little leg is the fastest way to conquering the world. Just ask him:
And off Miss Ive went, into the midday sun, to save the world and discover a new and ever-more-selfless slice of heaven, known also as The Detroit Zoo.
ONE IMPORTANT AND VERY OFFICIAL-TYPE DISCLAIMER:
Nobody at said zoo was aware of Miss Ive's plans for recklessness. Though, in the days ahead, you all may see official zoo employees smiling away with Miss Ive in pictures, they were only victims of Miss Ive's irrepressible charm, and had no way of knowing the debauchery that she was about. She super promises.
Stay tuned for more of the Jane Jones Chronicles: Day 1, in tomorrow's post. Please bring hot beverage. And three crafty baristas. And your best suggestion for Miss Ive's legal counsel, as quickly as possible.
No comments:
Post a Comment