Does anyone remember when Ayelet Waldman showed up on Oprah to talk about (read: defend) her New York Times essay, entitled "Motherlove?"
Here's the gist (though it's a great read if you have time):
She's married to Pulitzer Prize-winning author Michael Chabon. She has four kids with him. And she posits that she loves her husband more than her children, hence their still-steamy love life after twelve years of marriage. She also posits that the children are healthier because of it. Interestingly, she is a lawyer/author who chooses to stay at home with said brood of children. She does the carpools and the play dates, yada, yada. BUT, she is not IN LOVE with them. She has not refocused her passion on them. It is still on her husband. And why shouldn't it be? Did I mention the Pulitzer Prize? Yeah? Well he does dishes and bath time, too. Yeah, I know. Must be tough to keep that passion so focused, Ms. Waldman. Kidding. Only sort of.
Seriously, I want to know what you all think of this. It's articulate and smart and seems to work well for the Waldman/Chabon clan. After all, their kitchen and babies ARE clean, but their bedroom is torn apart. How bad can that combination be? There's something that feels right about it. Not gonna lie.
This is a theme I've revisited often lately. Write to me. And be honest.
I had to put this in here, too. Just watching her do the eighties 'sway' will make you ask the very trenchant question, "What in the hell does this have to do with her topic?"
13 comments:
I am in total agreement with her opinion. The passion for the couplehood, the marriage, is what produced the children in the first place. Maintaining that focus on that partnership makes it easier for the parents to maintain proper relationships with the children (read: they are not turning to them for emotional reassurance or love they may feel is missing from their significant other), models what a healty, mutually supportive relationship looks like for the child (thereby enabling them to participate themselves in a similar realtionship in the future), and fosters more indepedence and the ability to problem solve. (Children, regardless of what many parents seem to think, simply do NOT need to have everything done for them or applauded at every moment of the day. They will not have that support as adults, and setting them up with those expectations only makes things so much harder when they are met with the real world.)
I believe many a marriage comes to its demise when the focus is removed from the couple. How can you successfully raise a family "together" if you are not first and foremost focused on feeling connected to your teammate? I think nothing is more obvious to a child then when parents are not connected. And I think that sense of disconnect makes EVERYTHING harder, from packing lunches, to remembering why you came together in the first place. Children feel that just as much as their parents do.
Kelly,
You do rock. It means a lot to me that you, the great lover of children, can get on board with this mindset. It's very revolutionary, but like I said in the post, it 'feels' right.
Thanks for the eloquent post. As always.
M.I.
I remember when this came out ~ My SIL don't really talk to me anymore because I wrote a whole e-mail & attached the article to it on how I am in TOTAL agreement with this women. They saw it as an affront on being a Soccer Mom. (I won't lie it really was) but I also sent it to my own sister who like my SIL was also pregnant at the time & friends who already had children. My sister & I are not close to say the least, she totally agreed with it also along with most of the mom's I sent it too. At the time it was just SO refreshing to have this topic brought up & defended. The super moms I happen to know (there are some not many but a few) have a great relationship with their husbands & not just for show in public. They take time to be with each other & the kids are a priority yet not their only priority. That's the way it should be. Although that's kind of the way my sister & I happened to have been brought up also so maybe that's why it wasn't this taken as an I Hate kids but had them anyway type of an essay. I LUFF this essay & have great respect for the women who wrote it.
Although I will say it most likely didn't help my standing with some people when added this link to my E-mail. One of the best Anti Soccer Mom sayings I have seen in years.
http://shop.cafepress.com/design/10850052
Hmm Maybe I should send the e-mail out again & see what happens... Thanks Missive I can create mischief & then LEAVE for my long weekend Vay-Cay... (Insert EVIL Laugh here)
Girls,
I just got a letter from Ayelet Waldman. Remember? The woman who wrote the essay and sat WITH OPRAH to defend it?
Thought you should read it.
"I'm so glad you're getting positive feedback. I got a lot of that, but I also got a lot of, "Your husband will leave you for a twenty-year old and your kids will hate you forever." So that was nice.
I have a book coming out in May that will probably make the angry mommies hate me even more. It's called Bad Mother. ;)
Ayelet
She's pretty cool. Right?
Children need to see a loving mom and dad relationship in their lives whether they know it or not. When they see that they are not the center of the universe it only lends itself to better overall family community.
This is why no child of mine ever slept with us as they grew up. With the exception of illness or nightmares our bedroom was and is our own.
A healthy husband and wife "selfishness" is a good thing. Real world examples work wonders on kids. Life isn't fair and little joey doesn't need everything he wants.
I agree with her opinion; it's all too easy to become hyper-focused on being 'mommy' and forget that before you were a mother, you were a wife and lover. "Soccer Mom" never has been, nor will it ever be my goal in life.
Her and her husband are giving their children a nurturing, stable environment, and someday these kids will be in strong, loving marriages themselves because of it. I agree with Kelly-there's a generation of children out there who have been praised and coddled since the moment they were born and I shudder to think what they're going to be like as adults. I know families where the children are the axis upon which the world turns and it doesn't benefit anyone-parents or children.
To end, the only point I didn't see eye to eye with her was where she said that the death of her husband would be more devastating than that of her children. To me, they would be equally devastating. My husband is my soulmate and the one who will be beside me for the rest of my life, but my daughter is a part of me-literally. It was my body that created her, my body that brought her into this world and if she were to die a piece of me would die with her. Don't get me wrong-I know she's not saying that she wouldn't care if her kids died or anything like that, this is just my humble two cents. But overall a very beautifully written essay.
Kath,
I'm so glad you mentioned that one caveat. That part struck me, too. There's that 'fight or flight' mechanism in mom's that has to be addressed. I almost think that in order to live the way she does, you have to 'fight' against the instinct to hover around your kids. But, yes, I hear you. Any mention of the 'God Forbids' she mentions, (and don't we all do this?)and I get weak in the knees when I think of my children hurt. It's different with my husband because I feel he is better able to defend himself. However, that said, I do think that you were right in that she's not claiming that it wouldn't bother her, God Forbid, to lose a child. It's a tough and understandably touchy topic. I'm so glad it's finally being discussed, though. It sounds like you are, too. So many women suffer silent guilt when they have any desires of their own after motherhood begins. Thanks for posting and for bringing up one of the tougher subjects.
Miss Ive
The loss of a child versus a husband is something I have seen first hand. I had a classmate who's father died in the spring, she herself was in a horrible accident later that fall & was killed.
Her mother took both losses pretty hard. I was only 12 at this time, but I remember like it was yesterday & it was harder for the mom to talk about her husband than it was for her to talk about the daughter she lost.
NOT to say she did not Love her daughter any less then her husband I think it may hav ehad a lot to do with the actually the amount of years her life had with each person. 13 years is not that long of a time, but 30 years really is. Think about it.
Although I have seen mothers totally destroyed by the loss of child also.... It not for anyone to really say what factors hit who more or why that is. It just maybe...
Rings,
I think I remember you referencing this tragedy on PE? Omigod! She lost both?!
Thank you so much for sharing that story. The losses really are different, aren't they? The means by which they come into your life are so much different, it only makes sense that the way they leave would feel different, too. Both horrible.
M.I.
Yes, it's the same event that I have referenced on the P.E. Yes one of the families had it very rough that year....
Yet I think this happens to be the point of contention with the whole essay. Yet because of what I know I have witnessed in my own life I feel that she may not be in the wrong with this idea.
Again the loss of loved one husband or child is different for everyone, & no one knows how exactly they would feel until unfortunalty they are in that situation.
You'll have to stay tuned to get my thoughts in Chi town :)
Love the suspense. . .
I whole-heartedly agree that marriage should come before children.
Not because I’m a husband/father and I’m at the top of the pecking order in this scenario, but because it’s the reason the family exists in the first place.
I have been a father for 7 years and this is what I have learned…
Children are keen observers, they can easily pick up on whether or not their parents are emotionally connected.
Children learn through imitating. If they are a witness to a loving and relationship they are more likely to love in return. I believe that they will take this willingness to love forward into their own marriage (this is reason enough for me). I’m convinced that this foundation would have a bearing on the mate that they’ll choose or their place in the world. They must understand that they’re not the center of the universe. I don’t care how old you are or what you do, once you realize your place, you’ve made one hell of an important discovery.
Bravo!!! This is a very interesting topic!
John Johnson
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