iFart

Can't tell you how hard it was to bring myself to title this post with that . . . that . . . you know.

It's not that I don't love a good four-letter word. I'm no prude. But excrement talk is different, right? Unlike other obscenities that can be used to bring home your point, show passion and maybe a little 'Yeah, I said that, what are you gonna do about it?' grit—potty talk just makes you look like a filthy ten-year-old boy.

But here's the dirty truth. I've been wooed by the new addition to an increasingly long list of apps for iPhone.

First there was iBowl.



That was fun for a few minutes.

Then there was UrbanSpoon.



That was great just for shaking the phone and seeing the dials roll like you're in Vegas. But let's face it, it's not that practical.


And then (clouds parting, the angelic sound of Gregorian chants coming from the sky) they gave us iFart.

For the very fair price of 99 cents, you too can experience the sheer pleasure of spinning the wheel, selecting your favorite stinker (Brown Mosquito, Squeezer, Splatter, The Muffler, Butt Socket, Jack the Ripper or, my personal favorite, Bombardier), and then push the big red circle that simply reads "Fart Now"—exhibiting a spartan sensibility that even Ms. Stewart could appreciate. Am I right?

And lest you think this application is for the simple-minded, there are numerous sidebar options that allow you to build a complex algorithm of customized farting. For example, you can record a fart and email it to a friend. You can also select a fart and set the timer, so that the bomb may be dropped at any time, say, in a board meeting, without lifting a finger to give yourself away. Seriously. You could even place it under the boss's chair if you were feeling brazen.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, apparently I am a filthy ten-year-old boy. And I'm loving it.